Aniexy Depression ; Fight Your Own Demon.

how my new year week so far? well, not too busy but not too free although im freelancer. still doing same routine like i used to do. and  i hate to say, still can rid off all the 'voices' to think and think until i cant sleep.
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its happen on night of new year. im not hang out for celebrate. just sittin at home, watching TV, eating snacks and then go to sleep. but reeally sleep. when i layin on bed, before close my eyes, recited du'a for before sleep and 4 Qul of The Holy Quran. but when i close my eyes within 5-10min... my head just cant stop thinking and thinking and thinking. can u imagine that? my body drained i guess. i cant get enough sleep. usually i sleep after Subh / dawn. .
some people say i busy chatting with someone. no..hell no. even he will angry if replying right after he texted. because he think i waiting him 😂. but actually i just cant sleep.
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somebody said its not good for my body. my brain not rest. i tried. you just dont know how its feel.. you su fucking tired, sleepless but in the end you cant sleep.
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just you know, its a war game between you and yourself. when you heart want to do something but in the same times, youe head whispering, told yourself cant. im so dissapointed with myself. of course i do. how hard i tried to rid off all these feeling.
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im tired for everything and anything or with somebody. its the best things i think, tok keep distance with people especially an toxic people because i cant handle it. im easily lost my temper with this. ive no patience with it. i can solve problems but i cant handle people. hmmm.
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everyday, when i wake up, open my eyes, its a war between myself and my own demon.
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im currently freelancer. i do looking for jobs. any jobs that i can making overtimes because when ive alot tasks to do, its helps me not think too much. and when i applying and i got the position and then what? i want that jobs but my heads say i cant do that tasks. fucking exhausted. then guess what i do? yes. i create any stupid reasons that i cant make it the position. i dont know what happen to myself. yes i lost in myself fighting. its not 3 - 4 offers that i rejected, its almost 10 offers. i dont care what you think about me. i just wanna dissapear without trace. Because when its getting worst, yeah i wont say it. You knew what it is. Just if the suicide can stop the pain in my head. But im not insane yet. Dont worry.
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somebody said to me , why i want to think too much? what im thinking of? what im afraid of? .
i hope today i dont get that feeling. its really suck. i need my beauty sleep. i cant do what i want because im always in tired.
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tired to do something.
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tired with myself.
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dont worry. im okay. dont need to text or call me. i just need to be alone and sleep.
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im not asked for sympathy or attention seeker. the things is, its just wanna exploded in my head. i decided to writing that do things thats not good for myself.
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Vyolet : 2/1/2018 ; 5.45am.
The Fight - Over / Mayday - Halflives.